Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#022 In which our hero gazes into the abyss, and the abyss giggles back.

I think my daughter is trying to kill me. And I KNOW she's trying to kill my wife.

"Malicious Intent"

Oh, I know she looks cute and innocent - but beneath those chubby jowls lie the mind of a murderer. An eight-months-old-murderer.

Her plan is shockingly simple: keep us from sleeping until the toxins build up in our brains and we spontaneously fall asleep in traffic, leading to a horrible mangled death. And no-one would ever suspect her, the cunning child.

To make sure we can't react to her plans, she'll seemingly fall asleep at bedtime, and sometimes sleep for several hours - just until we are also sound asleep. Then she strikes.

Either a high pitch wailing that rips us out of dreamland or sometimes a soft whimpering that slowly and gently pulls us from slumber. And sometimes - and really, this is most clever of all - she'll just make small noises that seem to indicate that she'll fall back to sleep herself, with no intervention on our part. She can keep us awake for hours with this ploy before we finally get out of bed for more direct action.

I almost admire her hideous brilliance.

My wife has it much worse, since I can sometimes sleep through the lower-key crying. But my wife is instantly awake and soothing the baby. And the evil mastermind is fully aware of this, and has her heart set on killing my wife first. And then, no doubt, me.

There are times when I simply cannot appease the child. Most critically, I don't have the plumbing to give her what she wants. And, I'm much more immune to her crying. That's not to say that my daughter's crying isn't like nails on a chalkboard to me, because it is. But rather, I'm willing to let her cry, while my wife is not.

This has led to tension between the wife and I. I'm more of the "let her cry herself back to sleep" school, where she's more of the "you're a heartless prick" school. Again, I'm sure this is all according to the baby's plans, to set us upon one another.

So, so clever.

There's no winner in this scenario, that's for sure. Our little despot is crafty, but she's failed to realize one key element: when she does manage to kill us both off... who will bring her food? Then again, I think I saw her plotting with the dog the other day...

Pray for me.


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