WHORE BORE

There’s a part of me that really doesn’t want to care about Paris Hilton. This is, I suppose, the moral, upright, conscientious part of me. But there’s another part, a much stronger part, that is completely enthralled with this dumbass being sent to jail.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that a large part of this is jealousy. Who wouldn’t want that girl’s money? She’s not just rich, she’s filthy rich. She’s never had to worry about making rent or tuition or having enough left over to buy food for the week. I want that life.

But it’s not just her money, there’s plenty of rich people in the world and I don’t wish harm to all of them. No, it’s more than she’s dumb as a box of rocks. Does living a life of extreme privilege do that to you? If you never have to struggle for anything, does your brain just atrophy and die? Or was she just born without sense?

Anyway, I’m a little bit ashamed at just how gleeful I am at her fall from grace. This doesn’t, of course, keep me from clicking back constantly to The Superficial (my new favorite portal for celebrity-bashing) for the latest Paris Hilton updates.

However, and this might be hard to believe, but I also feel the slightest big bad for her. Honestly. I suspect that she really doesn’t understand why this is happening to her. No doubt that daddy has been there with his deep pockets at every turn to get her out of any jam she’s ever been in… but this time it’s different. It didn’t start out different, mind you, she was put into jail (and really, this is “jail” in the softest sense) while, undoubtedly, her mom and dad and their team of expensive lawyers swore they’d get her out in days, if not hours. She certainly wouldn’t be staying the entire 45 days (completing your entire sentence is for, you know, poor people) and low and behold! She was out four days later. And I’m sure she thought that there was nothing wrong with it… that’s just how the world works. She had to sit in a cell for nearly an entire week (!) and that was more than enough punishment. So she went back to her mansion (and reportedly the first order of business was to get a fake tanning treatment) to sleep it all off in her own bed, like it was a bad dream.

But!

The judge ordered her back to court, then right back to prison! This is where she broke down. And this is where I start to feel the tiniest twinge of compassion. I compare her reaction to that of my 2-year-old when we take something away from her. All she understands is that she WANTS it, and that she should HAVE IT. And when we take it away, she just can’t being to comprehend why we would ever do such a thing. It’s such a horrible situation that she has no recourse but to crumple into a ball on the floor and scream and scream.

That’s Paris Hilton.

However, any real empathy is erased by the knowledge that she got drunk, slide behind the wheel of her car, and drove away. She didn’t kill anyone, but could have. And for this, she has to pay the price. Just like I would have to. Just like you would have to. Being rich doesn’t give her the ability to better hold her booze (just the ability to buy better booze).

And in her case, the price is laughable low. She’ll do her time and get out in less than a month. And, I’m sure, during that month her “imprisonment” will be broadcast 24/7 on cable stations and the Internet.

And I’ll lap up every moment of it.

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