#252 In which our hero discusses how he likes a little coffee with his sugar (HAHA! I’ve never heard that one before!)

Here’s the thing… I like my drinks sweet. I prefer piña coladas over beer, Kool-Aid over water. And, I like my coffee with lots of sugar. Is that such a crime? Well, at more and more fast food joints, it apparently is.

Starting about a year ago, I noticed that McDonalds had taken the sugar packets off the condiment area, and put them behind the counter. This was about the same time that they started heralding that they’d put the cream and sugar in your coffee for you. Which, on the surface seems like a convenient thing, especially if you’re going through the drive-thru. Now, I don’t eat at McDonalds a lot in the morning, but I’ll occasionally grab a sausage biscuit on my way to work. And with this greasy bit of heaven I enjoy a small cup of coffee.

Now, in days gone by, I’d just say “give me a bunch of sugar, please” and the drive-thru drone with grab a big handful and everyone was happy. Well, someone in upper management apparently figured out that if they gave out one less sugar packet per customer they’d save a gajillion dollars a year or whatever, so suddenly they weren’t so generous with the sugar.

And they don’t even want to give you sugar at all anymore, instead innocently asking, “how many sugars would you like with your coffee?” And, as previous mentioned, I like my coffee really pretty sweet, so the conversation usually goes like this (these are all real conversations I’ve had in the past year):

McDonalds McEmployee: How many sugars?
ME: Um… 10, please.
MM: (pause) Did you say… ten?
ME: Yes. Ten.
MM: Okay, I was just checking, because most people don’t want that many and I was just checking to see if I heard you right--“
ME: Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Or

MM: How many sugars?
ME: Ten, please.
MM: Whoo! You like it SWEET!
ME: Um, yeah.

Or

MM: How many sugars?
ME: Um… eight?
MM: Wow! It’s not just the caffeine for you, but the sugar, huh?
ME: Eh, yeah, I like it sweet.

Now, why should I feel like a second class citizen just because I want a bunch of sugar in my coffee? Seriously. If an obese person came up to the counter and ordered four Big Macs, would they say, “Wow! You like to EAT!”

I think not.

And yeah, maybe I should just be bold about it, and say something like, “That’s right! Ten sugars for my small coffee, mutherfucker!” but I find myself sheepish about it every time. Like I’m some sort of sugar junkie looking for a fix.

Next thing you know they’re going to start limiting the amount of sugar they provide. Limit 4 sugars per customer. At which point I’ll probably have to start bringing my own sugar. Or start demanding more than my allotted quota. I’ll suddenly be that pain in the ass customer who has to custom order everything. I’ll probably end up with some spit in my coffee.

But at least it will be sweet.

###