Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#008 In which the word "boob" is used often and indiscriminately.

My little girl loves the boob.

I mean, I like boobs, too, but not like my little girl. There have been long periods in my life when I didn't even get to see a boob (this was, sadly, before the Internet and porn-on-demand) much less get to touch a boob.

However, if my daughter doesn't get a hold of her mother's boob at least once every 12 hours THE WORLD ENDS.

"Boob Lover"

The worst part of the world ending is that we can usually see it coming. If she's been asleep for a long time - sans boob - we know that once she wakes up there had better be a boob waiting or there will be hell to pay. My wife and I will tip-toe past her, giving knowing glances to each other:
Wife (hushed voice): When she wakes up, the boob had better be front and center.
Me (grinning): Maybe you should get 'em out now?
Wife: Shut up, you.
The little girl will wake up and look around worriedly, trying to locate the boob. If she doesn't see it right away, she'll start to call for the boob. Softly at first, then with increasing intensity.

Boooooob. Boooo-oooooob! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!

If the situation gets really desperate, there's sometimes a hitching crying between calls:

Boooooo-ahuh, ahuh-oooob! Hek-hek-hek-boooOOOOOOBB!!!

It just breaks your heart, I'll tell you. I imagine that boobs throughout the neighborhood turn their pink eyes toward our house, trying to heed the undeniable call of a hungry child, but are unable - due to restraint or apathy on the part of their owners - to break free and gather, herd-like, on our front step.

A herd of boobs - now that's something I'd like to see. Excuse me, I need to go wake my daughter.


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