Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#061 In which our hero ponders names.

I assume that everyone that reads this page knows me personally, and already knows this, but on the off chance that you accidentally stumbled in here during your search for goat porn, I have big news: The Scientist and I are expecting our second child. And, just this week, we found out that it's going to be a girl.

This is a dilemma, of course, since we had a girl name and a boy name picked out, and it took us forever to decide on names we could both agree on. Now we have to run through the exercise again; a daunting prospect. Especially considering that we're both hard-headed people with a long litany of names that are offensive due to past girl/boyfriends, people we've worked with, etc.

In order to get a jump on things (we only have five months left!), I've gone to my #1 Internet resource, Today's suggested name list is "Female Boston Marathon Winners." I've included the year they won, and the reason I've rejected them:
Allison (Roe, 1981)
I worked with an Allison years ago. She briefly dated a friend of mine (who I also worked with) and he once told me an odd handjob story that involved him, Allison and her roommate. I can't in good faith give my child a name that invokes a handjob story.

Charlotte (Teske, 1982)
Makes me think of two Charlottes: Charlotte Rae, the lovable Mrs. Edna Garrett from "Facts of Life," and another, much less agreeable Charlotte who is a local horse trainer that I once got into a heated argument with. The two sort of merge in my mind, resulting in a rotund smiling woman in breeches that I want to punch in the face. Next.

Gayle (Barron, 1978)
My first reaction to this name is completely neutral; I haven't known any Gayle's, I don't think. But as I look at it longer I think of "gale," as in blowing wind, and my mind wonders down the "blowing" and "getting blown" path, and it just doesn't lead anywhere good.

Ingrid (Kristiansen, 1986)
Invokes Ingrid Bergman (sexy Swedish actress, so far so good) but when hearing this name, I inevitably confuse it with Ingmar Bergman (not so sexy but very talented male director, also Swedish) and do you really want a lifetime of gender confusion with your daughter's name? Of course you do not.

Jacqueline (Gareau, 1980)
I knew a Jacqueline in high school, and, of course, she was called Jackie. Beside being a horrible nickname, it brings to mind that horrible screeching actress Jackee (ja'KAY) and we just can't have that.

Jacqueline (Hansen,1973)
Pfft! Again? See above.

Joan (Benoit, 1979)
Just about as non-offensive as they come. I have an aunt Joan, whom I like. Also makes me think of Joan of Arc which is cool (the leading armies part, not so much the being burned alive at the stake part). But in the end, it's just sorta blah, y'know?

Kim (Merritt, 1976)
Knew a Kim in high school who was a very nice girl. At the 10 year reunion she had become monstrously fat. Plus, you occasionally come across Kim as a boy's name, so no thank you, sir.

Liane (Winter, 1975)
Is this name pronounced "lane" or "Lie-aine?" Apparently it's a spelling of "Leanne." That's just stupid.

Lisa (Larsen-Weidenbach, 1985)
The first Lisa that jumps to mind is a Lisa I knew in high school. We even dated for about three days. Later on in college, due to an odd chain of events I would come to "know" Lisa, if you know what I mean, one drunken night. So The Scientist would put the kibosh on that one, I suspect.

Lorraine (Moller, 1984)
Lorraine? As in quiche? Next.

Miki (Gorman, 1974, 1977)
Just another spelling of Mickey, a horrible, horrible girl's name. Plus, when I was 15 I worked in a restaurant in which Mickey was the older, trying-way-too-hard-to-still-look-sexy bartender. Plus, she never once offered to sneak me a drink.

XXXX (Kuscsik, 1972)
Kind of a cool name, but unfortunately, also XXX XXXX XX XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX. Who XXXXX XXXXXXXX. Moving on.

Olga (Markova, 1992-93)
I'm sure my daughter will have plenty of reasons to hate me growing up, I don't need to saddle her with Olga and start that hating early.

Rosa (Mota, 1987-88, 1990)
The Scientist likes "Rose" very much, and this name is just a stone's throw from that. But I'll remind you that daughter #1 is named Lily, so we've put a ban on any further flower names. Besides, if we didn't, I'd totally be pushing for Daisy.

Uta (Pippig, 1994)
See "Olga," above.

Wanda (Panfil, 1991)
As in "A Fish Called..." I'm sure she'd rapidly get sick of her father saying "I love you, W-w-w-w-w-wanda," then laughing hysterically.
It appears the search must continue.


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