Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#069 In which our hero realizes a wider world.

(Want to know how mature I am? I just typed out "entry 69" and thought "Ooh! Sixty-nine! I should make this one about sex! Tee-hee-hee! But sadly, no, this is not about sex.)

Something strange happened to me recently. In an inspired hissy fit I took down my site and replaced it with a single black page. You may have missed it, since it only lasted a day or two. However, in that time three people emailed me directly and asked what was up, and if my site was going away forever.

Well, three people isn't that big a deal, except that I only knew two of the three. See, I've been operating under the assumption that only people that I know personally read this thing. But, apparently not. My brother-in-law revealed that he tells his friends about "the funny ones." (You know, they're all good, not just the "funny ones," you dick.)

Suddenly, I feel like I was dancing around in my underwear and just now noticed that the blinds are up and the neighbors are watching. Eek!

Anyway, that got me thinking about traffic to my site, etc., etc., something I really haven't paid much attention to up to this point. However, my hosting service (quick shout-out to, I've been really happy with their service and pricing - and they have recently featured big-breasted women in TV commercials, so what's not to like?) provides a statistics page that I've largely ignored.

But looking at it over the weekend revealed some interesting things.

Successful requests for pages in last 7 days: 587
Successful requests for pages: 12,184
Distinct hosts served: 1,012 Hosts

I find all of this rather mysterious. Is that 1,000+ unique people coming to look at my stuff? I don't know, and I don't think there's really any way to tell for sure.

But then, more interesting that that, is the search query report. This I understand, it's the number of people and the search words they typed into their favorite search engine leading, inadvertently I'm sure, to me
  1. [my whole name] (5)
  2. hurpis (5)
  3. cats pissing (2)
  4. cedar point police (2)
  5. disfunctional family circus (2)
  6. simple plan baby pictures (2)
  7. scripturient (2)
  8. boob (2)
  9. adult diapers (2)
  10. rhodesian ridgeback vomit (1)
  11. facts about the george foreman grill (1)
  12. why isn't my a/c working in my car? (1)
  13. rhodesian ridgeback and vomit (1)
  14. touch her boob (1)
  15. cat puking (1)
  16. radio stopped working in car (1)
  17. dog piss cleaning (1)
  18. unclothed underwear (1)
  19. george foreman grill facts (1)
  20. speedometer gas stopped working (1)
  21. tagamet 100 pound dog (1)
  22. dogs/irritable bowels (1)
  23. scripturient our hero (1)
  24. speedometer doesn't work until (1)
  25. cleaning dog shit out of carpet (1)
  26. han solo shoot first (1)
  27. dog shit carpet (1)
  28. dog smell carpet (1)
  29. death's by drinking and driving (1)
  30. boooooooooooooooooooob (1)
It gives a pretty accurate snapshot of my life that 11 of the 30 listed results deal with animal piss or shit. Sigh.

It's pretty funny that the #2 search term was a word I just made up. And what exactly was the guy expecting who typed in "boooooooooooooooooooob" in Google? Of course, the funniest part is that my boooooooooooooooooooob doesn't even make the first page of search results.

But, I have to feel sorry for the people that were looking for legitimate things ("Adult Diapers," "Facts about the George Foreman Grill," "Death's by drinking and driving." - what's that last one about?) and stumbled across my ramblings.

So, if you're reading this now and wondering how to get Rhodesian Ridgeback vomit out of your carpet - try scrubbing the spot with baby wipes while it's still fresh, that usually works for us.

Welcome to my world.


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