REALITY FATALITY pts. 4 & 5

My reactions to the Sci Fi Channel’s “Who Wants to be a Superhero?” episodes 4 & 5.

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I missed episode #4 while I was on vacation, and haven’t been able to catch a rerun of it yet. However, I did read the synopsis on the Sci-fi Channel’s website, and it sounds like it was a shocker!

First out -- Creature, my dark horse to win. Dammit! I didn’t see the show, but if she really jaywalked while out trying to do good deeds… well, that’s hard to argue. In Stan Lee’s slightly skewed world of superheroes you don’t get the break the law, ever. Not even a little bit. So she gets the boot. At least with one hottie gone there’s still Lemuria’s big boobs in the competition.

Another competition and one more to go. This time it’s… Lemuria! Shit! So much for eye candy.

I did manage to catch the last five minutes of this episode before the new one, and boy-oh-boy is Feedback crazy. He is clearly an uber-geek who’s just a little too invested in the entire superhero thing. I guess it’s no surprise that Stan eats this up, but having a grown man blubber and say that “you’ll like a father to me” and that “Spider-man helped me become an adult” has to leave you feeling a little creeped out. I’m guessing Stan had to take a shower immediately afterwards. Ugh.

On to episode 5.

First competition, go in front of a classroom full of kids and talk about your “super powers.” Hard to say what Stan was looking for in this one… Fat Momma and Major Victory do a better job of connecting with the kids, but Feedback remains true to his character, talking about the accident that gave him his powers and so on. In the end the most kids choose Fat Momma as their favorite. Stupid kids.

Next challenge, follow a series of clues to find The Dark Enforcer. Again, the awkwardness of having a “super arch enemy” that you don’t really fight in any way, shape or form is highlighted. The heroes run around and find clues -- actually, find people who are wearing the clues -- which lead them to The Dark Enforcer so they can… um, run up to him and say hi. Then he insults them. Them they walk away from each other. I wish they could have had him doing something sinister… like pretending to saw through a phone pole or something… anything.

Quick side note: as part of this challenge the heroes had to rub lotion on the belly of a fat guy, making a clue appear on his skin. How do you cast for something like that?

Wanted: white male, morbidly obese, hairless chest with no blemishes or moles. Must not be allergic to lotion or adverse to having strangers touch you in an intimate fashion. Contact Stan Lee at 1-800-NO-HOMO.

Major Victory and Feedback do well on this challenge, but Fat Momma clearly doesn’t take it seriously and screws around, even stopping for a massage while she’s searching for clues.

That evening, after some dumb drama from Fat Momma, Major Victory is eliminated. Major Victory?! I call bullshit. Stan claims that it’s because Major Victory is such a goofball, acting "more like a stand-up comedian than a superhero." This from the guy who wrote Spider-man, the only superhero to throw more bad puns at his villains that actual punches. I’m stunned by this turn of events.

Part of it is that I just can’t help thinking tactically. See, The Sci-Fi Network says they are going to make a movie starring the hero from this competition… and who better than Major Victory? He’s telegenic, has some acting chops and looks great in his costume.

But what really infuriates me is that if anyone else had acted like Fat Momma, blowing off the challenge in favor of getting a massage, Stan would have reamed them a new asshole. He should have said, “Hey, tubby, since when does a superhero stop for snacks and massages on their way to catching a super villain?” He could -- and should -- have send her packing that night. I don’t even think any of the other competitors would have objected too loudly, expect to say, “Um, maybe stopping for that candy apple wasn’t the best plan, huh?” Christ, Stan, at least be somewhat consistent with your criticism.

But now we’re stuck with Fat Momma and Feedback. Given how much screen time the producers have given to Fat Momma breaking down at the thought of Feedback being eliminated, I can’t imagine she’ll win. Which leaves Feedback… the creepy comic book geek.

Honestly, I’ve started to lose interest in this show since it’s so clearly scripted. I mean, I know all reality shows are only loosely based on reality, but what Stan says and what Stan does are so at odds that it just leaves me scratching my head.

Maybe the producers quickly identified Feedback’s unstable nature, realizing that if this guy didn’t win they might have a situation on their hands. Nobody wants this guy hanging himself with his own superhero belt after the show wraps.

Of course, the other alternative is that Fat Momma is going to win this thing. A thought that leaves me quivering like her enlarged heart after climbing a set of stairs.