#029 In which our hero has a problem with George Lucas.

George Lucas. I have a problem with you, dude. Big-time.

The past couple of days the Internet has been alive with your announcement that the third and final installment of the Star Wars franchise will be titled "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith." Apparently, when this was announced at Comic-Con there was an "audible gasp" from the crowd. Really? Just the title was enough to get the assembled basement-dwellers excited?

Here's the thing: I used to be that guy. Searching out new info on the Star Wars movies, debating which was the best of the original triad (for the record, Randal was right: Empire is the better movie), drooling over the concept sketches. Then, George, you had to go and fuck it all up.

It started with the re-release of the original three. And, y'know, I guess I'm okay with you tweaking the special effects. I mean, I didn't really hear anyone screaming about them, we - the assembled fans - understood that the movies were made in the late 70's/early 80's, and special effects technology wasn't as advanced as it is now. Frankly, I dug the fact that what I was seeing was actual models, something that I could hold in my hand if I were lucky enough to be on set. There's a cool "thereness" to it that isn't there for a screen full of pixels, no matter how cool it looks on screen. Anyway, like I said, fiddle with the effects all you want... but why did you have to change elements of the story?

Yeah, you know where I'm going. Greedo didn't shoot first, you hack!

Han Solo shot first. EVERYONE knows that. Your story about how you meant for Greedo to shoot first but it didn't translate on film? I call bullshit. You [were then] a strong enough storyteller to make this clear, if it's what you intended. But you didn't.

We all started to see your decent into madness with Return of the Jedi. Ewoks? Sweet Christ, what were you thinking? Yeah, yeah, I know, you wanted it to be Wookies but didn't have the budget or couldn't get the logistics to work or whatever... but were Ewoks really the answer? Plus, you continued production of puerile crap proves that, for whatever reason, you made the conscious decision to turn Star Wars into kiddy movies.

Man, you suck.

Getting back to Greedo. I was nine years old when the first Star Wars came out. I wasn't an especially precocious or brilliant kid - but when Han shot Greedo, I GOT IT. Greedo was threatening Han, he was about to shoot him - but he didn't. Because Han shot first. Han is a rogue, a scoundrel; but no one walked away from that scene thinking he was a heartless murderer. He did what he had to do, and we all applauded him for it. Jesus, give us a little credit, would you? If a nine-year-old can figure it out, any one can figure it out.

Boy, I hate you.

Here's the thing: I forgave you for the Ewoks. The hairy knee-biters aside, Jedi still kicked a load of ass. Luke was all cool and confident, Vader had a change of heart, the Emperor was scabby and evil. It was great. And, it was with this air of optimism, or hope, that I went to see The Phantom Menace.

What a turd.

I was excited going in, the casting was great. The dreamy Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson? Wow. And Samuel L. Jackson? Are you kidding me? Outstanding! My favorite SW:TPM moment that never happened:

Mace Windu: "Are you tellin' me this mutherfucka is the mutherfuckin' CHOSEN one?!"

If only. But it all goes wrong. What's up with that little kid playing Anakin? It's obvious that you choose him strictly for appearance, and not for acting ability. Ugh, there wasn't a moment in that film when I didn't want to punch him square in the face.

And I don't think we have to talk about Jar-Jar, an obvious and ham-handed attempt to inject comic relief into the film. You could have saved a few dollars and just recycled Roger Rabbit for the role - same vocal patterns, same animated form, and at least passingly amusing.

Jesus, you suck.

Two more examples of your hackitude and then I'm done.

Midichlorians. These, according to you, are the tiny Force-holding creatures that live in all our cells, or some such horseshit like that. But Anakin has lots of them, proving that he's strong with the force. But really, they are a contrived plot device to show that Anakin isn't your typical mop-headed pod-racer, but rather a Force-filled wunderkid that has the potential to be the greatest of the Jedis. Of course, we already know this since we've seen the three films before this one! We get it, he's great with the force, a real badass in kid's clothing. We don't need "proof" that he's powerful, all you need to do it tell us. Hey, if the Jedi Council is on board, who are well to jump up and start demanding proof? Again, give us a little credit, huh?

"I have a bad feeling about this." Yep, someone always has a bad feeling about something, in every movie. We [the fans] love it when you throw in little things like that, we appreciate the inside joke aspect. But, for pity's sake have a little integrity when you use it, huh? I'm talking about "Attack of the Clones," when Anakin, Amidala, and Obi-Wan are chained and being hauled into the alien bug arena to be consumed by various horrific beasts. Anakin says "I have a bad feeling about this." Really? No shit? Did the midichlorians help you puzzle that out or was it the thousands of creatures in the stands waiting to watch you die?

Christ, George, did you just flip the script open to a random page and stick the quote in wherever your finger landed?

Okay, I'm done. Mr. Lucas, you are a hack of the worst kind: you used to make good movies but now, for whatever reason, make mindless garbage dressed up as meaningful mythology.

Today, I have a problem with you, George Lucas!