#032 In which our hero looks to the future.

So, I didn't get fired. But many others did.

My boss has a bad habit of rambling on, and during one of our conversations he mentioned that the agency was going to "see some big changes." I pressed him a bit and he hinted that I might be called upon to handle some different tasks (okay) or work fewer hours (NOT okay). Being that The Scientist and I have a nine-month-old, are preparing our house to sell, looking for a new house, and the fact that I'm going to need a new car here sooner than later the idea that I would be making less money didn't sit well. I was pissed that I had to face the same situation I dealt with just a year ago.

Later that day - this is Thursday last - the president called me into his office. I told him that the last time I got called into a closed door meeting I received my walking papers. He told me that I wasn't getting fired and that I should "fucking relax." But he did say that he was going to fire some people - just not me. And that all would be revealed later that day or the next.

This made for a very surreal time for me. I had the assurance of the president of the company that I wasn't going to get fired, but that others where. I spent the time scrutinizing my coworkers... is he going to get fired? What does she do, exactly? Are her eyes red? Is she crying because she got fired?

Ends up four people got fired, and one left voluntarily. Doesn't sound like a big number, but that's 1/5 of our staff. Sadly, this included the only guy at the agency that I really liked.

Friday the president called the remaining staff together in the conference room. Everyone was long-faced and gloomy, so I tried to lighten the atmosphere.

ME: "Do we have enough chairs, or do we need to fire a few more people?"
(Horrified looks from everyone)
ME: "Maybe that was inappropriate."

The president said a few rousing words, said how each of us would have to give "150% percent." I've always hated that bullshit.

So now it's almost a week later (after I missed three days trying to die, more on that later) and I'm at a crossroads. For quite I while I have been aware that the agency is in dire shape, I've been standing aside thinking "Man, that mutherfucker is going down!" But with recent staff reductions we can all pull together and get the agency back in the black, or so the theory goes.

Problem is, I mentally checked out weeks ago, I'm just a chair-warmer now. But I've been given the opportunity to jump back in with both feet, stir things up, make a difference. Work hard, gain respect.

But I don't know if I wanna.

I just don't know if any rewards I might earn at the agency would justify the work that will be needed. I have bigger dreams that this place. After years of hard work I could probably become a big fish in this small pond. But frankly, I'd rather be a medium-sized fish in a big pond.

New paradigms or status quo.

Fresh directions or beaten path.

Stay or go.

Ugh. Right now I'm achy and tired and can't think past my vacation in a week. After that I'll have to make some decisions.

Then I'll decide if I start swimming or start bailing.