#074 In which our hero tells it like it is.

I didn't write the below, and I've never seen it attributed to a specific author. But, if you work in advertising or marketing, you've probably seen it before. I came across it again today, and it makes me laugh every time.

What a client says, and what a client means

1. We want a slogan like "Just Do It"
   Translation: We want to be the Nike of plumbing accessories.
   
   
2. "We don't want your creativity to be constrained by a budget."
   Translation: We are bankrupt.
   
   
3. "I personally think the ad is brilliant, but I think our target market isn't ready for something that innovative."
   Translation: I don't want you to think I'm uncool, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
   
   
4. "Make the logo bigger."
   Translation: You advertising people are all the same. All you want is to do some hoity-toity ad that's going to win you awards, take you abroad on some overpriced photo shoot and spend my company's money on Bordeaux and Osso Bucco at four star restaurants. Well let me tell you buster, I'm on to your game. I may not know your fancy ad-talk, and I may not be able to figure out where you've hidden all the money for your hedonistic debauchery in my ad budget. But I do know one thing: people love my logo, dammit, and they want to see it. Personally, if it were up to me, I'd just buy a super-powered laser and project my logo on the moon. But since I can't, for now I'm stuck with you assholes.
   
   
5. "What is the agency recommendation?"
   Translation: I wouldn't know good creative like differentiating between my ass and my elbow.
   
   
6. "I don't think it speaks to the teen market."
   Translation: I showed it to my attention-deficit 13 year old, and he was indifferent.
   
   
7. "We want a 'bite and smile' shot."
   Translation: Even 'Ogilvy On Advertising' is too avant garde for me.
   
   
8. "Which one of you is the writer?"
   Translation: We hate the copy.
   
   
9. "Which one of you is the art director?"
   Translation: We want the logo bigger.
   
   
10. "So, how long have you been at (name of agency here)?"
    Translation: Good lord, I'm old enough to be your father. Say, what are you doing for dinner tonight?
    
    
11. "Can we take the headline from this ad, and combine it with the visual of that ad?"
    Translation: I am mentally retarded.
    
    
12. "This music isn't appropriate for our brand."
    Translation: The music you have selected isn't on heavy rotation in my SUV's 6-CD stereo system. (or) I haven't heard this type of music in an ad for our competitive brand yet.
    
    
13. "Let's get back to the basics of what made this brand great."
    Translation: If I don't see some tits and ass in this beer commercial, you're all fired.
    
    
14. "Do you think that font is appropriate?"
    Translation: I want you to know that I know how to use the word 'font' in a sentence.
    
    
15. "We'd like you to have a look at what the authorities are doing with this brand."
    Translation: You don't have an igloo's chance in hell of ever seeing this commercial produced.
    
    
16. "May I have a look at the strategy again?"
    Translation: I don't want to appear uncool in front of the creative team, so I am going to blame the account team for this fiasco instead.
    
    
17. "Here's how I think the headline should go:"
    Translation: I am a frustrated ex-English major.
    
    
18. "We had a lot of learning on this one."
    Translation: I have no clue about production costs. I am hoping to score points with my boss and save money by eliminating those expensive backgrounds.
    
    
19. "I love the layout."
    Translation: I hate the idea.
    
    
20. "I hope you guys didn't have to work all weekend on this!"
    Translation: The power I have over you amuses me.
    

Ah, so very, very true.