#087 In which our hero takes an easy shot.

Michael Jackson vows to find the "real molesters"

SANTA MARIA, Calif. -- Now that Michael Jackson has been acquitted of all charges, he has promised to conduct a thorough and wide-reaching investigation to find the person or persons that molested the young boys in question, even if he has to "meet with every smooth-bottomed child in the state."

Moments after the verdict was read, Jackson announced his intentions to find the "real molesters."

"I love children," Jackson stated to the crowd of more than 100 journalists from news outlets around the world, "and I cannot bear to spend one more night in my hyperbolic sleeping chamber knowing that even one child, one precious, lovely child, is being touched in an inappropriate way. Because there are appropriate ways -- safe, evidence-free ways -- of touching a child and showing the depth of your love."

Jackson punctuated his remarks by repeatedly grabbing his crotch and screaming, "Oo-hoo!"

"To find these real molesters I will start at the source, the children themselves," Jackson continued. "I will conduct closed door interviews at my Neverland Ranch with a large number of children to determine if they have experienced molestation, by whom, and in exactly what fashion. I will not rest in my tireless pursuit of justice, even if I have to meet with every smooth-bottomed child in the state."

However, Jackson later indicated that his search may take him outside of the borders of California.

"The real molesters know no state lines, and neither shall I. If it means visiting every pre-school, kindergarten, halfway house and Chuck E. Cheese's in the nation, so be it. Wherever young, impressionable, fair-complexioned children are to be found, that's where I will be, too."

Jackson then fled the courthouse to his limo, falling into the welcoming arms of Macaulay Culkin.