Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#107 In which our hero chews the fat.

My wife, whom I love desperately, forces me to ... do things. Things I'm not proud of. Things that I generally don't talk about. Things like... bad reality TV.

There, I said it. Oh, the shame!

But really, it's all her fault. I mean, do you really think I wanted to watch the season finale to "The Littlest Groom" ? No, I did not. And did I want to become totally engrossed in "Project Runway" ? Again, I did not.

It should be clear, I am not a strong man. But, Jesus, YOU try walking through a room in which there is a TV broadcasting a dating contest in which women of all shapes and sizes are competing -- COMPETING! -- for the affections of a midget! Compelling TV? You bet your ass it was. And you know what? The "littlest groom" picked the midget girl! Over the full-size super model! Are you kidding me! It would be as if I was in a contest and my choices where regular, attractive woman, or regular attractive woman with four boobs! How often do you get an opportunity like that?!

But, I digress.

My point is that it was totally not my fault that I got sucked into the 2-hour season finale of "The Biggest Loser" last night. I have never watched the show before, and neither had The Scientist, to the best of my knowledge ... and didn't have any interest in it. You know what I'm talking about... a bunch of fat people are sent to a "ranch" with sadistic personal trainers and whoever loses the most weight (the "biggest loser," get it?) wins a bunch of cash. And apparently there were challenges ala "Survivor" and people got voted out or whatever... I don't really know.

When I first heard of this show it made my a little queasy... as I've said before, I'm a bit of a fattist. I've never been significantly overweight in my life, so I just can't relate. I'm sure it's hard and all, but lord, when you can't even walk up the stairs because you're so huge, you might want to think about passing on that second Big Mac.

Hmm... is that unkind? I'm sure I'll be punished by the powers-that-be for that remark. Maybe my tubby babies will grow up to be equally tubby adults. Horrors!

Anyway, I was fascinated by the show last night. These people lost HUNDREDS of pounds! And they looked good! Do you know how some people are fat, then they lose the weight, but still have a fat look about them? (Carnie Wilson, I'm looking at you). Not these people. They all looked fantastic. Except the first girl voted out. She lost a sum total of 16 pounds during the course of the show. Come on! I didn't see it, but I think I can guess why you where the first voted out.

And I'll admit, I'm sure I was more interested that I might otherwise have been because one of the three finalists was a hot girl.

This entire freak show was hosted by Caroline Rhea -- who I think is pretty funny. Unfortunately, for the life of me I could not stop thinking of her as Charlotte Rae. But how sad is it that she's hosting this show? Clearly the producers wanted an actress who is overweight to, I dunno, put the contestants at ease or whatever. I imagine that contract negotiations went something like this:
PRODUCERS: Caroline, we want you to host our new show ... we think you'd be just perfect for it!
CAROLINE RHEA: Why do you think that?
P: Well, erm, because of your sparkling personality! And your witty repartee!
CR: This has nothing to do with my weight, does it?
P: Wha--? Where'd that come from? Your weight? That's just crazy talk! NO! It's your personality that we love!
CR: ...
P: Your spark! Your charm!
CR: ...
P: Your way with people!
CR: ...
P: ...
P: Look, you'll never have to get on the scale yourself.
CR: ...
P: And we'll pay you in Ding-Dongs.
OH! And the next season of "Project Runway" starts next week!

So, just to reiterate, my enthusiasm? All The Scientist's fault.


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