#035 In which our hero reveals his criminal genius.

I've been thinking of robbing a bank.

This is nothing new, of course; every time I've ever read about a bank robbery in which the thief wasn't immediately apprehended, I've though: "I could rob a bank." It really doesn't seem that hard. I mean, banks get robbed all the time. Often with the robber getting away. And these aren't rocket scientists doing the deed, just dumb and/or desperate men with only the flimsiest of plans.

Here's the thing, I would rob a bank and be done. Not rob a series of banks or anything like that. And I wouldn't waste time in trying to empty all of the tellers of all their cash, I'd just take whatever I could, then get out. I have no idea what your average bank teller has in their drawer at any time... a couple hundred dollars? I thousand? I really don't know. But whatever it is, it's all found money, isn't it? Even if I walk out with only a hundred bunks, well, that's a hundred bucks I didn't have before. And if it takes about ten minutes (including time waiting in line) then that's $600/hour - not a bad wage.

Here's the steps I'd take to pull it off:

• Wear a disguise. I can't believe the number of would-be bank robbers that don't wear a disguise. Every bank I've ever been to is absolutely filthy with cameras. You could wear a hat or sunglasses, but come on, make an effort! I'd invest a couple bucks and buy a fake beard or wear make-up or something like that. The key wouldn't be to look unusual or strange (no rainbow wigs, please) but rather to look extremely average. You want the APB to be "average looking guy of average height and average weight, wearing pretty non-descript clothing and pretty run-of-the-mill shoes... ah hell, it could be anyone, really." And as a special regional touch, I'd wear a Cleveland Browns jacket and make sure it's a home game day. Good luck then, coppers!
• Ditch the disguise, ASAP. I mean, as soon as I'm out of line of sight I'll be changing into my red satin jogging pants and matching jacket.
• Ditch the money. This seems like sin #1 for bank robbers: getting caught with the loot. Here's my plan: I will have a large FedEx shipping box all ready to go. All I need to do is stick the cash in the box, seal it up, and mail it to the anonymous out of state PO Box I'd set up weeks ago.
• Go home, relax and keep my mouth shut. These morons are always getting caught because they bragged to someone. Well, not me. I won't tell a soul, just smile knowingly when I see the news reports about the police (fruitlessly) searching for a bank robber.
• Pace myself. I'll wait a couple of months before getting the money from the PO Box, then I'll turn it all into money orders (professional criminals such as myself call this "laundering" the money). But I'll get small money orders in odd amounts, like $21.57, so it will seem like I'm paying bills or buying crap off eBay or whatnot. I'll eventually cash all of these money orders at 7-11's and laugh, laugh, laugh.

And that's it. Seems pretty fool-proof, right? See, I could easily rob a bank and get away with it. And I better get away with it, because if I went to prison I'd totally be some con's bitch.