Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#048 In which our hero threatens trees.

Day by day we inch closer to finishing all the paperwork involved with selling a house and buying a new house. By my estimate, we have contributed to the killing of four trees so far. And wait until we sign the mortgage papers!

But, I think the deal to sign the house is finally buttoned down. We signed what was billed as the absolute last piece of paper last night. All that's left is to have that dead tree removed and move out.

We had the home inspection of the new house last Saturday. This is a scary thing if you've never done it. Basically, an inspector walks, pokes, crawls around the house you want to buy and tells you what's wrong with it. This, of course, is important information to have, but it's also frightening as hell. When you're about to make the largest purchase of your life (and one that is spread out over 30 years) you don't want to hear "these cracks in the foundation are probably nothing." What I want to hear, of course, if something like this:
INSPECTOR: "Craig, can I be straight with you?"
ME: "Of course."
INSPECTOR: "This is, without doubt, the goddamndest best house I have ever seen in my 52 years of inspecting houses. The roof will never need replaced, the driveway will never crack and there's something in the water that makes you immune to disease and extends your life. It's easily worth four times what you're paying. And I didn't even factor in the money tree growing out back."
But, of course, that's not what he said. What he said was that it was in decent shape, with only a few minor problems. The radon gas thing, of course, but other than that, a cracked driveway and two cracked windows.

So, we've gone back to the seller and asked them to fix the driveway and replace those two windows. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask. I mean, the city has cited them for a driveway that is a "trip hazard." We didn't make it up - go fix it. And the windows are those fancy-pants thermopanes, which can't really be repaired, they need to be replaced. And at the tune of $250 each installed, we don't want to pay for it - go do it. But that's it. I didn't even insist that they have the chimney cleaned - even though I should have, filthy buggers.

So we wait. And, for the time being at least, a tree breathes a sign of relief.


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