Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#041 In which our hero has a million-dollar plan.

Well, we're two weeks into the ninth season of Survivor. And since I've been watching it from my living room couch that can only mean one thing: I didn't get on the show.

After the very first season, I said to my wife "I could do that. I could totally live on an island for a month." And, it didn't hurt that the producers were offering a million dollar prize, either.

At this point, I should interject that The Scientist has no confidence in me, Survivor-wise. She actually said "Pfft! You'd be he first one voted out."

Now, this cut me to the quick, as you can imagine. If my wife doesn't have faith in me, well, what's the world coming to? Granted, I don't really suffer fools easily, and I have been known to be a bit... combative ... with idiots. But come on, there was never a $1MM prize on the line, was there?

So anyway, I could win that damn show. And to that end, I offer the four winning strategies for Survivor:
  1. Learn to fish. Every tribe so far has relied on fish to supplement their rice diet (except maybe Survivor: Africa, I didn't watch that season... I think they ate a lot of yams or something). Anyway, the guy who brings in the most fish - from season one's Richard Hatch to last season's Rupert, has been kept around longer than they might have been otherwise. People get hungry after a couple of weeks of rice and water... you want to be the food guy.
  2. Don't be an asshole. You wouldn't think I'd need to lay this one out, but experience tells me different. There's anyways someone yelling and/or getting in someone's face right from the start! Why would you do this? Someone is getting voted out, and in the beginning when everyone is pretty much on level ground, why rock the boat and be the jerk people want to be rid of?
  3. Learn to make fire. I am stupefied to see that no one has ever been able to make fire the first day. The contestants of the first couple of season's can be excused, maybe they didn't really know what they're getting into. But this is season NINE! There are no surprises any longer! You know you're not getting fire, and you know that Jeff Probst pissed in the well or something, and you're going to have to boil your drinking water. And, AND! You know it's not going to be easy because no one has been able to do it yet! So take some time to hang out with the neighborhood Boy Scout and learn to make a fire. Or stick some flint and steel up your ass right before you get off the boat.
  4. Keep your eye on the prize.There's a big payday at the end, if you're not dumb about it. Perfect example: Season two (Australian Outback). Final three: hunky Colby, big-boobed but sweet Tina, and jackass Keith. Colby wins immunity and gets to make the call as to who comes to the final two with him. And he picks Tina. Not Keith, who no one liked, who burned the rice, who was rather stiff and insulting. Colby picks the person he most wants to hang out with for another two days. Idiot! And what happens? The jury votes for Tina. Not because, in my opinion, they think she most deserves it, but because they hate Colby for winning so many immunities and sending them packing. So Tina gets the big prize, and Colby's now doing shaving cream commercials. Good work!
First one voted out, huh? See? I got a plan, baby!


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