#090 In which our hero takes his vitamins.

As regular readers of this site know, I have many high-ranking connections in the world of entertainment. So it should come as no surprise that I was recently able to sit down and have a conversation with the hot topic-maker of the moment, Tom Cruise. We met at a chic bistro in Century City where I had a cappuccino and Mr. Cruise drank organic Chai with a double shot of oxygen.

SCRIPTURIENT: Hey Tom, thanks for sitting down and speaking to me.

TOM CRUISE: Craig, you know it's always a pleasure to speak with you.

S: Thank you. So lets get right to it: you've come under a lot of criticism lately because of your comments about Brooke Shields and her use of anti-depressants. What's your problem with someone taking a few legal drugs?

TC: I care about Brooke, I want to see her do well. I'm an empathic person, I know when people are hurting. And she's hurting. I mean, did you see the last season of Suddenly Susan? Jesus Christ, that stunk on ice. If she had only taken my advice and adopted a routine of vitamins and exercise, she could have gotten that turd into syndication.

S: So it wasn't so much the crappy writing, it was her --

TC: Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig. You're being glib. You don't even know what you're talking about. Look, you have to understand the history of television. You have to do the research. I've done the research, I know. Did you know that the original Carol Burnett Show pilot was titled The Karol Wazzenstraum Show, and that it was co-written by Adolph Hitler?

S: Really?

TC: Yes, really. That is the kind of information that I know, and you do not. [At this point, Tom leans forward and levels a steely glare.] Get it, man?

S: I had no idea.

TC: That's because you humans don't have access to the resources I do.

S: "You hum --"

TC: I LOVE KATIE HOLMES!

S: Um, right. But did you just say --

TC: She's my one true love, man. My widdle pootie-pie. I love her so much, I just want to eat her up. [At this point Tom jumped up and began to do an interruptive dance to the Muzak. Twenty minutes later, he returned to his seat, winded and sweaty.] See? She's the best thing that ever happened to me.

S: More so than Nicole Kidman?

TC: I love Nicole. We're still great friends. But she wouldn't take the fucking vitamins, y'know? How can a relationship continue to grow when you don't share common interests? Plus, she didn't have a penis.

S: She didn't have a what?

TC: KATIE! KATIE! KATIE!

S: I understand that you've bringing Katie into the Church of Scientology.

TC: Oh yeah, she digs it. She embraced it, once she understood the core principle.

S: What's that?

TC: If you want to marry Tom Cruise, you have to embrace Scientology.

S: How do you answer critics that say she has some gnarly toes?

TC: Craig, I've never cared what other people have said, you can't. I'm just living my life. And yeah, she's got some butt-ugly feet, but Scientology will fix that.

S: Scientology can fix hammer toes?

TC: Hell yes. Scientology cured my dyslexia, it can grow her some new toes. And the sooner the better. She could drive ten-penny nails with those fuckers, ugh!

Many thanks to Tom Cruise for the interview and the sample pack of "L. Ron's Virtuous Vitamins - now chewable!"