Skrip - tyur' - i - ent: adj. Possessing the violent desire to write.


#111 In which our hero tries to fix the sink.

Dear Powers That Be,

About that home warranty thing? We get it! Yes, yes, we looked at the renewal notice and said, "Eh, we don't need to drop another $300 on this thing," and pitched it only to have the furnace crap out days later. And I know there's only something like five days left on the damn thing... we're going to renew, I swear to God! Okay? Please stop breaking parts of our house!

So, in the kitchen we have one of those faucets where the head pulls out and is a sprayer. Wait... Internet, please show them. Okay, get it? The faucet is the sprayer, there's not a separate sprayer on the side.

We didn't pick this style of faucet, it's what the house had. We didn't care either way, but it was handy. But, several months ago we began to lose pressure. I assumed that there was some sort of gunk stuck in the sprayer, and a quick rinse would solve everything. So, I take the thing apart and everything looks okay. And... Jesus, this is boring. Let me skip over the trip to the hardware store (x2), the call to Moen customer service and the late night tinkering and get to the interesting part when the Scientist GOT INVOLVED.

Now, I think I've written about this before. Most of our home repairs involve me beating something with the side of a wrench until my wife steps in and solves the problem. So, last night when she offered to help -- because it had gotten really bad, the water was but a trickle -- I was actually a little relieved. Not that I'd ever admit that at the time, of course. But, The Scientist had no more luck with the damn thing than I did... we took apart all the take-apartable pieces and couldn't see any sort of blockage. Finally, we decided that it must be in the neck of the thing.

Problem was, you can't get the housing of the neck off without first removing the hose. And here's the part that chapped my ass: I had that damn hose off just the night before. And now, we couldn't budge it. It's a stupid tight fit under the sink to start with, so there was the unfortunate combination of The Scientist being small enough to get the tools in place, but not having the hand strength to turn it, and me having the strength but not being able to get into position.

Finally, the vice grips where employed.

Generally speaking, this is a bad sign. In my world, if it won't turn, you need to turn it harder! For whatever reason, The Scientist was blinded by my thinking and supported my plan.

Bottom line: we never did get the hose loose, but we did manage to bend the living shit out of the copper pipes under our sink. To the point where if we could have gotten the fitting loose, it still wouldn't have slid out of the housing. Or neck. Or whateverthefuck it's called.

My plan to completely remove the sink -- as in, take it out and put it on the floor -- was also approved by The Scientist, but was thankfully short-lived. I think the final vote was, "Eh, fuck it. Let's call a plumber."

Which I did this morning. I called my wife to give her the news and the conversation when something like this:
ME: I told the dispatcher that we tried to clear the blockage ourselves, but I left out the part where we mangled the crap out of it.
THE SCIENTIST: Probably a good idea.
ME: The plumber's going to be like, 'Did monkeys get under here?'
TS: More like two retards with a wrench.
And yes, this will be covered by the home warranty. Which we will be renewing shortly. Please don't make our roof cave in.


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