MELON FELON

Is there anything greater than teaching your young children to say inappropriate things? Now, Lily is smart as a whip, so I’m careful of what I say to her directly (although I need to start being better about what I say within earshot… first time she says, “fuck a duck!” in daycare I’ll be getting a note). I feel obligated to mention here that The Scientist has been less careful about this at times… the recent, “Lily, can you say ‘I just shit my pants?’” conversation comes to mind. Hilarious, yes; appropriate, no.

However, I have taught Lily a wonderful thing. My oldest daughter has recently discovered cantaloupe. Neither The Scientist nor I like cantaloupe, but Lily loves it. Now when we go to the store she always requests more “juicy melon.”

And since our mornings are currently lived a pre-fall Eden where no-one cares about nudity, Lily sometimes gets to see The Scientist or myself coming out of the shower. Once, while Lily and I were laying on the bed watching cartoons, The Scientist got out of the shower and came into the bedroom naked. I, of course, am a big fan of my wife’s body, and I especially appreciate her butt. So I say to Lily, “Boy, Lily, check out your mama’s butt. It’s great. Like a nice juicy melon.”

And Lily latches on to this like it’s the funniest thing every said by man. She gets up out of bed, goes over to The Scientist and squeezes her butt, saying, “juicy melon!” And she says it in a funny voice, too! Funniest. Thing. Ever. And now, with just a hint of prompting, I can get Lily to squeeze her mama’s butt on command.

So, considering the story above, how delighted was I to see this in the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue?


Yet once again, Victoria’s Secret has made my twisted dreams come true.