#091 In which our hero loves his porn, er, wife.

Every once in awhile, I'll actually look at the contents of my spam email folder before deleting it. This is only because very occasionally there has been mail I actually wanted to read that was mistakenly identified as spam.

By and large it's all junk -- herbal Viagra, continuing education, nice Nigerian gentlemen that want to give me several million dollars. I rarely open any of it, but sometimes a subject line catches my attention and I do. Last week, I got a message with the subject line: Would you like a fuck-friend?

And I thought, why, yes, I would like a fuck-friend!

Naturally it linked to a personals website where you could post your photo and look at the photos of others, blah, blah, blah. All for $20/month. I looked at the preview section, and there seemed to be no end of willing, attractive naked women that wanted to meet ME. After I left the site (and honestly, I lingered longer than I should have) two distinctive thoughts crossed my mind:

1. Where the hell where these sites when I needed them? and
2. Jesus, I suck

Where the hell where these sites when I needed them?

Seriously, where the hell were you, hook-up site, when I was in college? Huh? How about after that big break-up with my live-in girlfriend? Why weren't you offering me commitmentless sex when I really needed it?

How many girls could you have spared from my pseudo-stalking? How many late night drunken phone calls could have been avoided? How blue would my balls have not been if you were there with your promise of easy sex?

Jesus, I suck

The thing is, I love my wife. Very much. So how much do I suck for trolling a hook-up site? Why would I even look at something like that? The easy answer is that I'm a guy, I suppose. I like looking at naked women. But I still feel a little guilty about it. I mean, I would never cheat on The Scientist, and for three very important reasons:

1. I'm a good liar, but not to my wife. She'd see right though me and know something was up.
2. And when she did figure it out, she would pack up my children and leave me. That night.
3. I would be devastated. Not just in losing my wife and children, but I would be so unhappy with myself that it would pull me down and break my heart.

However, the truth is that the vast majority of the guilt I feel is alleviated by how secure my wife and I are in our relationship. She doesn't care if I look at crap like that, and I don't care if she looks at porn or whatever. I've never been in a more secure relationship in my life. So, honey, this is how I express my love for you... by looking at porny sites on the Web.

Aren't you glad we're married?